LETTING THE GOOD TIMES ROLL

I was writing in my journal today, trying to figure out why I keep going through these ups and downs. I am not talking about the ups and downs of life in general. I am talking about my mindset that creates some of these ups and downs for myself. Follow me on this...

There have been times in my life when I have done all that I knew I could do to make a situation work and all I ended up doing was running in a circle or pounding my head against the wall. Why did I keep doing that? I was not in "flow" with my spirit.

I noticed a pattern in my life. The pattern is that when I hit bottom I stop and start praying daily; I do my meditations; I eat right; I get on top of my household duties; I even start paying attention to my bills and I make sure I have a routine that is productive.  As soon as these things start moving in a positive direction, I add more to my plate or take on a "project" that just happens to take much more of my time and I slowly stop doing those things that were working for me until I am at bottom again.  My darn ego takes over and says, "I got this."  And I fall right in line and believe "I got this."  Well, no wonder this becomes a cycle of ups and downs.

GREAT!!!!  Now I have all the answers, right?!?

Sure, but answers without the dedication to action are just a placebo and another way of saying "I got this" and ain't doing sh!t but setting myself up for another f&ck up.

Ok, so now I have the dedication to action, what will it take to actually "be" in action?

     1. Do a realistic assessment of what I am willing to do?

• Am I going to wake up an hour early to pray and meditate?
• Am I going to cook healthier food at a reasonable hour?
• Am I going to do morning/evening stretches or exercise?
• Am I going to stay on top of my bills; create a schedule for doing the bills?
• AND HOW BAD DO I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS

This assessment is not an easy thing if I am going to be true to myself, because I really don't want to do any of this.  The word "schedule" means bondage to me and I am a free spirit who will NOT be put in bondage!!!! I just want to heal people, wake up when I want to and let everything else just take care of itself.  So, the "HOW BAD DO I WANT IT?" question has to be considered...  What Am I Willing To Do to make this "change" be a consistency in my life when the only consistent thing in my life is inconsistency?

I know that, for me, the decision has to be made from a place of pleasure.  If I feel in anyway that I am doing this to runaway from pain, then I will only end up finding pain.  So what is the pleasure I get from doing all of those things listed above?  Hmm....  I would actually have some order in my life.  I would be living the life that I THINK I live (in my head) in reality.  In other words, the life I think I live would be the life I am ACTUALLY living.  Now, I just happen to find pleasure in actually living the life I think I am living.  That is something that I am willing to make the necessary adjustments to my life and dedicate myself to. 

     2. What fears, concerns, situations, thinking patterns or issues have interfered with me in the past?

• Arrogance
• Pride
• Stubborness
• Wonder Woman Syndrome: I can do all things at once.  There is nothing I can't do right this mi nute.
• Procrastination by Busyness: Staying so busy that I can't get to the things that I have worked for me; the things on the list above.
• "I have to know all the scenarios and outcomes before I get started" or "I have to do this or that before I can get started" or "It has to look a certain way"  blah blah
• "I don't have the money to do that" or any other kind of money conversation
• "My house is not big enough to do what I really want to do" - focusing on the problem and not even trying to come up with a solution
• FEAR of:
• Success:
• it is easier to not succeed at all then to succeed and fail.
• success brings a whole lot of unexpected expectations and responsibilities
• success has a definition that is very arbitrary and sometimes I get confused on what it actually means to be successful.  It becomes easy for me to doubt my personal success when someone else feels that I could have done better or questions whether I have succeeded in the end result.
• It is important for ME to set my definition on what success is for me and stay dedicated to MY definition!
• Failure:
• if I fail then I am not worth anything
• if I fail then I will let people, including myself, down
• Loosing everything:
• my reputation
• my material items
• my family's love and respect
• The Unknown, The Unexpected:
• "I don't know anyone who has succeeded in this" or "The risk is too high"  or "There are no proven reports that this works"  or "That may have worked for them, but I have never tried it so it wont work for me"
• EXPECTATIONS
• This one is a tricky one because I want to have some sort of expectation on how this is going to end up.  However, if I mix the expectations with desire then I have created a situation that can make my decisions put me in an undesirable situation.
• Expectations can lead to being closed to any other possibility.
• It can also lead to not hearing the intention behind what people are saying because I have created an expectation of what and how I want them to respond.  If they do not respond the way I expected then I am upset.  But if I leave myself open to whatever response they give me as being okay with me then I will be able to properly handle what they have said.
• Also, expectations can create a "SUPPOSED TO" perception.  "It's supposed to be this way or that way."  This doesn't work very well if you are doing something new to me because, my "supposed to" may not be the same as what someone else experienced and now I have closed myself to another possibly great opportunity.

I think I will stop with that question at this point because this list could end up requiring a psychologist if I keep going, lol.

The next course of action for me to take would be:

     3. Putting my plan on paper

• Write it in pencil
• Make a realistic schedule or time frame that I can live with and that has flexibility
• Start slow and incorporate something new every week
• Make realistic timelines or goals
• Give myself markers for assessing my progress
• and be honest with myself (without condemnation or beating myself up!)

     4. START THE PLAN!

Wow, all of this looks really good.  Kinda surprised it came from me, lol.  This looks like something that I can do.  When do I start?  Dang it, yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't come yet.  It looks like I only have today to start then.

MY SPIRITUAL FLOW STARTS NOW IN THIS EVER PRESENT MOMENT OF NOW!!!!

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!!!!